10-25-96

Dear Mom,

It's almost Halloween. I was looking at pictures of you and Ben making those great pumpkin cakes. There won't be one this year. I half thought of doing it, but I think it'd just break my heart...it was your thing, ya know?

For a long time, I could only remember your last days with me. Lying in that bed, helpless, hurting. Me, watching you breathe. For days, just holding your hand and watching you breathe. Talking to you, singing to you, loving you - and wanting you to die...wanting the hell to be over for all of us, but mostly for you....you fought for so long, you were so strong....'tenacious' is what Monsignor called you at the service...'the most tenacious woman I have ever known'. I'm smiling through tears. I guess that sums up how I've been doing lately...'smiling thru tears'...For months I could only see you in that bed, the seizures, the pain....but more and more I can remember you when you were whole and healthy, that was so long ago Mom.

I love the story, I should record it in the boy's journals, about the time, right after you had lost your hair to chemotherapy, and you were so self conscious about it...I was leaving your house but nearly out of gas. You decided to ride with me...I was a little surprised that you left the house without your wig, and proud, 'good for her' I thought. So when we arrived at the station, I go in to pay, and you get out of the car and begin pumping the gasoline! I am standing inside, watching you....on a busy street....cars going by, and you're standing there as pretty as you please, like you have not a care in the world, no hair and all. I take you home, and as you get out of the car, you turn to look at me, half horror-stricken, "I forgot my HAIR!!" We both laughed so hard---here I was, thinking about nothing BUT that, and you hadn't a clue.

Bill and I went to Italy. Three times I nearly picked up the phone to call you.

I miss you.

The boys miss you too.

Last week, Nicholas asked Ms. Elizabeth "when are my Mommy and Daddy gonna die?" she told him they'd discuss it later....she'd never had that come from a three year old and didn't know what to say.

I had a really good talk with the boys that night....about what would happen to them IF Mommy and Daddy died, but that we were trying very hard NOT to die for a LONNNNNG time.

Ben is always telling me things that you used to do "Grandmother let me play outside at nighttime if I wanted to" I tell him that Grandmother let him do ANYTHING he wanted to and that when I get to Heaven, I am going to spank Grandmother right after I kiss her, and we all laugh (except Nicholas, he gets upset...thinking I might REALLY spank you!).

I miss sharing them with you.

I've been in a 'funk' for awhile...kind of isolating myself, even from A.S.G....but the tears are really coming now, guess I needed this.

Love you Mom,
Lena